:: I am so Broken, but not without Hope ::
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[24 May 2005|06:49pm]
[ mood | bitchy ]

Let it be known to the general public that being pregnant has fucked up my hormones and I totally cannot be responsible for my own actions. If I've been a bitch to any of you, this is my official apology. Please still be my friends?!

Who thinks I'm fat?? MEEEE!

2 true friends|love me for who I am

why not [23 Apr 2005|07:55am]
[ mood | tired ]

01) Total volume of music files on my computer

I don't know. Not too much because I just became a member of the music downloading society.


02) The last CD I bought was ..

LoveAngelMusicBaby - Gwen Stefani.


03a) The last song I listened to before writing this was...

Roxanne - The Police


03b). Song playing right now:

Nothing. I'm watching the Discovery Health Channel.


04) Five songs I listen to a lot or that mean a lot to me.

1.   You and Me - Rosie Thomas. Kelly told me about this song when I was looking for  wedding music. The album is beautiful and artistic and I love the whole thing. But this song is lovely.

2.   The Scientist - Cold Play.
3.   500 Miles (I'm Gonna Be...) The Proclaimers.
4.   Steven - Denison Witmer.
5.   Gratitude - Nichole Nordeman. One of the few religious songs I listen too. My heart likes it alot, for some reason.

Oh, and Weezer is my favorite always. They get their own catagory though that is not listed in this survey. It would go under "Most Best Favorite Band Ever Since Childhood, And They Still Rock"


05) Which 5 people are you passing this baton to, & why?

I'm not really passing it to anyone. Why? Because I am lazy and don't feel like thinking.

love me for who I am

winner [09 Apr 2005|10:38pm]
[ mood | sick ]

Just in case any of you were curious, I was one of the few non-scalpers who actually got Weezer tickets for the Philadelphia show. Try not to be jealous. I cried so much. Not only because they are my favorite and I was so happy, but because I'm pregnant and I cry over everything. May 10th will not come soon enough.

12 true friends|love me for who I am

me - revisited [01 Mar 2005|03:02pm]
[ mood | excited ]

High School Survey

What year was it?

What were your three favorite bands?
MxPx, NoFx, Rancid

What was your favorite outfit?
I'm not sure, because I was the Thrift Store queen, but to school I loved to wear this blue polyester skirt with a white button shirt that had blue and yellow stripes. And outside of school I had these skater flares with HUGE openings.

What was up with your hair?
Short. Very short. And medium brown. But I dyed it black my Junior year. Or was it Senior?

Who were your best friends? 
Kelly, Shannon, and the fabulous four, which is now down to three because Julia hates us. (Jenny and Emily) and Jimmy and Dan. Can't forget my boys.

What did you do after school?
Theatre in the Fall and Spring. Practiced piano for 2 hours a day because my teacher was Hitler and she wanted me to get  into Ivy League for music. Yeah.Right.

Did you take the bus?
Nope. Pops drove me.

Who did you have a crush on?
Ok. The list is endless. I think Freshman year it was Max Byar or something. Sophmore I can't even remember. Junior it was *ick* Joe Marshall and of course Jimmy and Dan (my best buds Junior year) and then at the end of the year it was my *now* hubby Ryan. We dated until I left for college in August after Senior year. I wanted to date other people. What a jerk!

Did you fight with your parents?

Who did you have a CELEBRITY crush on?
Mike Herrara and Lars. I've always hearted Johnny Depp, but mostly I was obsessed with Josh Hartnett.

Did you smoke cigarettes?
Yeah. Ocassionally though. Not hardcore until college.

Did you lug all of your books around in your backpack all day because you were too nervous to find your locker?

Did you have a 'clique'?
I was a floater. Numerous friends in different places. Especially Junior year.                                                                                 
Did you have "The Max" like Zach Kelly and Slater?

Admit it, were you popular?
Junior year, yes. I was home-schooled Fresh and Soph years and Senior year I only needed 2 classes to graduate so I wasn't around a lot. I did school plays, and was friends with a lot of people. When I was a Junior, the Senior boys harassed me like Junior-Highers. I punched Josh K. in the face. This one guy told me when he first saw me he was scared. I was 5'2 and a hundred pounds. What the FUCK is so scary about that?

Who did you want to be just like?
I wanted to kick ass like Lars from Rancid. God he is so tough.

What did you want to be when you grew up?
Not living at home. Travelling all over. Especially to Europe.                                                                                                  
Where did you think you'd be at the age you are now?
Not doing anything that I'm actually doing. ESPECIALLY not married...or even dating one guy. I thought Kelly and I would be roommates forever and living in NYC doing the things we did best. Causing trouble and being fabulous.

1 true friend|love me for who I am

[15 Feb 2005|09:57am]
[ mood | working ]

I have some kind of "mental blockage" when it comes to vodka.

Take one: My birthday, October 2004. I drank vodka and sprite, and as usual, ditched the sprite and drank straight out of the bottle. I left feeling ok, then all of a sudden I was puking my guts out for 3 days straight. The whole entire time I'm saying "Omigod! I'll NEVER drink again, EVER!"

Take two: Going Away Party for co-worker, February 2005. I got there late and started drinking a sprite and vodka while talking to some friends from work. I couldn't stay long because I was meeting my mom in like an hour or two. Eight shots of vodka later and I'm rushing out of the restaurant to drive, yes, I know driving drunk to meet my mom is a bad combo. But I'm totally not aware that I'm smashed. Going to meet my mom. Why would I drink so much if I was supposed to meet my mom? I try to sleep for a few minutes before she gets there but I'm entirely to dizzy to do anything besides stare. I tried my very hardest to appear sober when she got there, which wasn't going to well seeing as my mom said "It smells in this car!" and I, trying to appear more sober ask "It smells? Like what?" mom answers "Like someone spilled a large glass of alcohol!" to which I start laughing uncontrollably and say "That's my breath!" I couldn't stop, I just kept laughing and laughing. Next thing I know, I'm home, puking my guts out, reminscent of era 2004, exactly 4 months earlier.

Note to self: Quit the drinking Vodka thing. For good.

6 true friends|love me for who I am

I'm a loser and no one reads my journal [10 Feb 2005|09:44am]
[ mood | geeky ]

Neener Neener. Ok, now that I got that out of the way...

My 13 year old sister is in love with every boy she sees. My 17 year old brother is in love with a girl who doesn't give a flying shit about him. And my 10 year old sister loves everyone because she is just that adorable. My 22 year old self is being treated very well by an excellent husband. I think it's because we are going to the Opera or Symphony or something on Saturday. It's supposed to be a surprise so I'm not sure which it's going to be. But I am extremely excited because I love culture and classical music. Plus, I got to buy a super cute outfit.

Nothing interesting happens in my life, so I basically have nothing else to say. Besides my dog chewed a permanent marker and it got all over the comforter on my bed. I was mad. Man, my life is uber-dull.

My favorite things right now

  • sugar-free strawberry gum
  • splenda ice-cream (not the carb kind, it's gross)
  • sour icebreakers
  • guac-a-salsa
  • brown and pink
  • faded, soft, destroyed jeans
  • grape apes and apple sluts
  • fashion week 2005
  • Growing Up Gotti
  • vases, flowers, candles and art
  • Nada Surf, the Killers, acoustic and opera
  • Rasputina and the cellos
  • historical costuming
  • Vermeer
  • vintage, and more vintage
  • no, I mean REAL vintage. talking like, Victorian era
  • sleep-talking

Your eyes never close, your mind's not at rest. Lay back, get waterlogged, give us a kiss. Water spreads the small seed, water kills the tall weed. Ophelia, Ophelia.

4 true friends|love me for who I am

[18 Jan 2005|03:36pm]
[ mood | exhausted ]

This morning I started a "paper route" with Ryan. I'm trying it for a week before I give my two weeks notice at my full-time job. After 5 years in the business world, I'm throwin in the towel. Get ready for this: I'm going to be a stay-at-home-wife. A domestic engineer. A homemaker. Omigod, I am going to throw up.

In other news, I am in the process of filling out an application for Westminster Choir College. I will either major in vocal performance or musical theatre. Haven't decided yet. But I've been teaching myself classical voice for about 2 years now and everyone keeps telling me to do something with it instead of singing in the shower. I am thinking about it. But everyone knows that's probably all I will do about it. Think.

Lately I have been feeling like I am withdrawling from everyone. Once in a while I will do that and start myself into a wrong direction of thinking. I will sit in my darkness of my mind for hours and not speak to anyone. It is bad for me, I know it. Recently when it's happened I have come out on top...knowing after I resurface that I'm destroying myself each time I get like that. But it happens again, only I get more afraid that I won't actually come out for the better. I'll stay there; convincing myself, cohercing myself...tempting myself that no one could possibly understand the depth. But that is not true. Opening yourself could mean compassion and empathy. It just takes enough balls to persuade yourself to trust. Saying that is one thing, but the persuading and believing part is what fucks me up. Everytime.

Comment now about anything, anyone (if you hate me, tell me, I'll eff you up biatch), or whatever you want. But do it anonymously. I do not care if it's good, bad, outrageous, scandalous, misspelled or boring. Do it.  

4 true friends|love me for who I am

Brake for the Pessimists [16 Dec 2004|09:22am]
[ mood | annoyed ]

Things I hate:

  • Arrogance
  • People who think they are better than others
  • People who think they are better than others when they definitely aren't
  • People who think they are smartasses when they are really just asses
  • Work
  • Money
  • Working for no money
  • Working for the same job and same people for too long
  • Working for the same job and people without enough money
  • Assholes
  • Working with Assholes
  • Living with an Asshole
  • Assholes that drive on the road when they shouldn't have a license
  • Fake friends
  • Friends that aren't honest
  • Friends who think they have no issues
  • Friends who aren't honest about their issues and act like I wouldn't understand
  • Food
  • Having to eat food
  • Having to make food first and then eat it
  • Having to go to the grocery store to buy food and then make it and then eat it
  • Hair
  • Dying my hair
  • Doing my hair 
  • Dying my hair and then having it look horrendous
  • Doing my hair in the morning when I'm tired
  • People giving hair advice when they have NO CLUE what looks good
  • People who don't cut their hair eventhough when it's long their receeding hairlines are more obvious
  • Waking up
  • Waking up early
  • Waking up early when I have to go to work
  • Waking up at all.
  • Selfishness
  • Living with someone
  • Living with someone who is selfish
  • Living in general.

Hell, I just hate everything in general. Life sucks, might as well get used to it now. You get fucked over. People lie. YOU lie. Things never work out the way you want them too. Thank God I'm just passing through here.

2 true friends|love me for who I am

my head becomes less clouded everyday [05 Nov 2004|04:41pm]
[ mood | irritated ]

I was reading recently on a Liberal Christians. Liberal. Christians. These individuals believe that pro-life is close-minded and not vying for same-sex marriages is persecution. I disagree. This would mean that we are twisting Biblical interpretation around to adapt to our modern lives. I tried this with pre-marital sex, and I just want to let those of you who are confused know: it is not right. I have done a piss-poor job in my life of holding up my Christian ideals. But I have tried. The last time I checked, Christianity didn't consist of fence-sitters. It was a group of passionate believers who said "no" to organized religion, and "yes" to a lifestyle of embracing this life and life after. I decided that Christians in a sense are Liberal. They do not live within the bonds of worldiness and sin. There is an idea that because you seek higher morality, your life must be less fun. The only thing that is "not fun" is closing yourself in a box of embracing gray instead of black and white. Absolutes and rights and wrongs are not "conservative". They are clear cut guidelines to add purpose and direction to lives that otherwise would head up, down, and all around. No, Christianity is not traditional, conformist, oldfashioned, or closeminded. The thing about God is that He determines no sex, no age, no marks. He makes no distinction or discrimination. He accepts, and that is all. He loves without holding back. He gives freely whatever you may need and he reaches out to EVERYONE. If that's not Liberal, then paint me blue and call me a Democrat.

In other news, work is getting monotonous and I have no clue what to do with my life. Being married is giving me too much time to myself to think about all the unsuccess and "going nowhere" I have been experiencing. MUST. FINISH. COLLEGE!

1 true friend|love me for who I am

i am wearing a wig today [15 Oct 2004|02:11pm]
[ mood | okay ]

In case you are lame and don't know, today is my birthday.

This was a conversation I had with my little seventeen year old brother earlier.

The phone rings and I answer it.
My Brother: Hey R, Get me dad.
Me:  Oh ok. Where are you?
My Brother: At school.
Me: Do you need someone to pick you up?
My Brother: No.
Me: Then why are you calling him?
My Brother: None of your business, just give me dad before I beat you to death. Oh, and Happy Birthday.
Me: Awwwww, thanks dude!

Love abounds between the two of us. Evident, isn't it?

In other news, I am indeed married and having all the sex. And if one more person asks me if I'm pregnant or makes some sick graphic joke about intercourse, I am going to have an coronary.

That is all.

2 true friends|love me for who I am

subject: (optional) [21 Sep 2004|09:16am]
[ mood | nostalgic ]

Something about last night was right on the money. Something about the way I was putting dishes away, hanging pictures, organizing closets and helping put together furniture felt like perfect. That sounds entirely wrong coming from a girl who wears her independence on her jacket like a badge. Sounds wrong coming from me, who hates suzy homemakers and cleaning, and I need to mention I can't cook to save my life. But this is right, I know it. You just know when things are absolutely right. You feel it. It squeezes your heart. Politely, not rashly, like pain squeezes it. Just enough to let you feel. Feeling is something I have been discussing lately a lot, especially with my cousin. We decided that we are whores for pain. Because growing up in our family, pain was the only intense feeling we ever got. It is different now to feel something besides pain. I like it. I love it in fact. I am happy.

I also think I might be glowing.

Count down update: 4 days until I am married. See you there.

Lastly, I heart (<3) Fall. It is crisp and chilly in the morning and at night. That is perfect. I love cracked windows with the heat on my toes in the car. I love the way the sun looks when it gets cold. It shimmers weakly in the sky, providing clear days, but losing it's power as the warm weather turns cool and then cold. I love my sweaters. Most of all, I love Maine in Autumn. Have you ever been there at that time? It is amazing. It takes my breath away. I want to be there now. Or at Houghton with Kelly. Either, I think, would be an excellent choice.

This was the first year of our songs together
Simple chords are lovely
Simple words are heartfelt

It's the best friends that need you
In my case, believe you
It's the best friend's lives' kiss you
In my case, I'll miss you

2 true friends|love me for who I am

laser class gallon [07 Sep 2004|08:53am]
[ mood | calm ]

Apparently some people here at the office don't have to follow dress code. Apparently they like to and are allowed to wear sneakers and moo-moos.

Also, I got a new car, to be picked up tonight! It's a 2000 Saab 9-3 SE. So beautiful. I think I'll marry it. I haven't picked out a name yet. Names of my cars thus far have been Spike and Spoike. I was thinking something like Spleek. But Ryan said no naming this one because I pick out the worst names ever. Well I don't think so. I think I am great at picking out names.

On to the third and final item...I miss my friends. Kelly = Houghton & Shannon = Crazy working hours. Now even Emily is at Jefferson. And I...I am getting married in two and a half weeks. Crazy. Minus the friend drama I have been experiencing lately, life has in general been ok though. But I need to go to bed so much earlier than I do.

Why must we open all of the doors? We tied them up well.

2 true friends|love me for who I am

watch it [30 Aug 2004|09:44am]
[ mood | excited ]

So as a precautionary statement, this entry and those reading it may not all be on a need-to-know basis for the subject about to be discussed. You have been warned.

My Comprehensive List of Need-To-Make-Out-To Songs


  • Ben Folds: The Luckiest
  • Blessid Union of Souls: Hold Her Close, When She Comes
  • Counting Crows: Accidentally In Love
  • Dashboard Confessional: hands Down, Carry This Picture, Ghost of a Good Thing, Again I Go Unnoticed, Saints & Sailors
  • Dave Matthews: Crash, Lie In Our Graves
  • Fiona Apple: Slow Like Honey
  • Garbage: Only Happy When It Rains
  • James Taylor: Up On The Roof
  • Jets To Brazil: Sweet Avenue
  • Jewel: Absence of Fear
  • Marcy Playground: Sex and Candy
  • No Doubt: Spiderwebs, Bathwater, Making Out, Hella Good, Underneath It All
  • Oasis: Wonderwall
  • Our Lady Peace: Clumsy, Innocent
  • Phantom Planet: Always On My Mind
  • Poe: Hey Pretty
  • Sublime: Caress Me Down
  • The Darkness: Growing On Me, I Believe In A Thing Called Love, Love Is Only A Feeling, Love On The Rocks With No Ice
  • The Police: Roxanne
  • The Proclaimers: 500 Miles (I'm Gonna Be)
  • Third Eye Blind: How's It Gonna Be, Deep Inside of You

CD's In General:

  • Belle & Sebastian: all
  • Built To Spill: alot
  • Cold Play: all
  • Denison Witmer: Safe Away
  • Mates of State: Team Boo
  • Muse: Absolution
  • Nada Surf: all
  • Pavement: Crooked Rain Crooked Rain
  • Radiohead: all
  • Rufus Wainwright: all
  • Semisonic: Feeling Strangely Fine
  • Weezer: alllllllllllll!!
  • Wilco: all

Movie Soundtracks

  • American Beauty
  • Girl, Interrupted
  • I Am Sam
  • Punch Drunk Love
  • Requiem For A Dream
  • Say Anything (Peter Gabriel is my boyfriend)
  • The Notebook
  • Virgin Suicides


love me for who I am

sorry you are shit out of luck [27 Aug 2004|10:03am]
[ mood | complacent ]

The following piece is an excerpt from the book FakeLiarCheat by Tod Goldberg. I am in love with it.


:|There is love here, I think.

What we are going through is nothing if not normal. Relationships marred by strife work, says one of my friends, because even boxers hug after fighting. Opposition, he adds, creates passion.

"We are like dark and light then," I say.

"No," she says. "Dark is not the opposite of light; it is the absence of light."

It sounds contrived, but that is how she speaks.

I want to touch her. I want to slip my lips over hers and cradle her words in my mouth. She knows this. She knows everything.

So we plan. We devise. We lie. We fake.

And she cheats.|:

love me for who I am

where is my armor [24 Aug 2004|10:36am]
[ mood | exhausted ]

Dear >Insert Any Name Here<,

You make my life so fucking complicated. It was complex before, but now. Now I cannot eat or sleep or do anything correctly. Including thinking. I hate you for it. Or rather, I do not hate you at all and maybe I should. And perhaps that is the problem here.

>Insert Cliche About The Unfairness Of Life Here<

I do not mean to complain about things. In fact, I despise nothing more when people complain about things they cannot change. But I am stuck. And being stuck is not an ideal state for me. Frankly, I do not know how to get passed this. I feel like it is one of those things that will just be. And maybe will always be for however long. Lingering, but pointless. Although nothing will ever or never come of anything or nothing at all. Who knows. And maybe there is a reason we talk in circles. But the unheard and unsaid is what speaks volumes. I do not know what you would admit, or perceive, or say outloud but I am hearing everything loud and clear.

>Insert Indifferent, Unfeeling Sentiments Like Sincerely Or Yours Truly Here< .|R|.

love me for who I am

ouch [22 Aug 2004|10:53pm]
[ mood | discontent ]

My heart hurts so bad. I am going to drown it's cavity in vodka.


love me for who I am

wanna latte? [19 Aug 2004|10:45pm]
[ mood | drunk ]

Tonight at work, boys were asking me really gross questions. I did not like it one bit. Also, there was a fight. It was interesting and I have to say my conclusion of it all is that the customers are not always right. Not at all.

In other news, my wedding is being planned by everyone but me. And I am too stressed to give a damn.

Answer this: pierced nipples; sexy or skanky?

love me for who I am

chocolate poptart for breakfast [16 Aug 2004|08:32am]
[ mood | sore ]

Never again will I eat pizza right before going to bed. My dreams were so odd. First, I was in Macy's shopping for clothes, which p.s. would never happen. And Kelly was there picking out the ugliest clothes ever. Which would never happen either. Then cut to Ryan and I in the parking lot at work watching through the window as the cops and a bomb squad take apart all the computers searching for Al Quieda or something. Next, I am replaying in my dream something that happened right before I went to bed. I was talking to someone online and he said he was going home and he would be on in a few minutes. So I go upstairs and get my laptop and get in bed or something but then it turns out I really did that and walking in my sleep and brought my computer upstairs and tried to plug it into my doorknob. Like I said, I'm never eating pizza that late again.

I have a headache today and I don't feel very well either. In general, I don't want to be at work. I need a mental health day.

Oh yeah, and I got a tattoo.

love me for who I am

How much is too much... [13 Aug 2004|09:07am]
[ mood | annoyed ]

...and how much is just not enough?!

For those of you who know about the car issue resulting from the accident two weeks ago, here is the latest.

  • Insurance is only giving me $5500 for my car.
  • It is worth $7700, but they don't seem to care about that very much.
  • The inequity between the amount they are giving me and my loan is alot. $3500.
  • I have to pay that money out of pocket. And it really sucks.

Otherwise, Ryan and I (being the super brains we are) figured everything out and it may be ok in the end. We've started looking for cars because I keep hearing I will get charged big time if I actually use my rental for the full 30 days that my insurance is paying for it. So a-looking we are. As uneconomical it is, I really want a Land Rover and this one is my new boyfriend.

1 true friend|love me for who I am

winner, always [12 Aug 2004|03:37pm]
Just to let you all know, I am the casino queen. Even if only for an hour.

In other news, boys are stoopid made out of poopid...except for Ryan of course, who at the moment, is made out of vodka and sprite. Yuuuuuuuum.

Lastly, I am now minus two (2) cyber friends at work and plus eight (8) hours of utter boredom. RIP cyber buds! Well, Emily really is only gone for a week, so that's not too horrible. On the other hand, the US Government has ripped from my computer screen forever (or at least from the hours of 9-5, Mon-Fri) one (1) interesting boy who has falling prey to the wiles of the devil, particularly the United States kind.

Become anarchists. All of you.
2 true friends|love me for who I am